Even when you don’t see eye to eye, there is a way to handle political differences with your in-laws.
It goes without saying that this year’s presidential election was heated (to put it lightly). You may have gotten into arguments or even decided to end relationships over it. As always, you get to decide how best to navigate these very sensitive and multi-faceted issues, and you get to determine what’s best for you and your own mental or physical health.
One area where this navigation can get incredibly tricky is with your in-laws. There’s a reason why the “don’t discuss politics” social guideline exists — if you and your in-laws don’t agree politically, it can lead to some very tense discussions that can get very ugly, very quickly.
But there is a way to handle political differences with your in-laws that can keep the waters relatively calm and your relationship in tact (if that’s what both you and your spouse want).
Remain calm and respectful
Remember when we said this election was heated? Political discussions have a way of bringing out heightened emotions. This makes sense — we care deeply about our country and about our loved ones, and of course we want things to run in ways that make sense to us.
If a certain political topics come up and you have a dissenting opinion, do your best to remain calm and respectful. Take a few deep breaths before responding. Pause and think about what you want to say, and how you want to say it. Avoid inflammatory and aggressive language, and keep your tone and volume measured.
You can also ask your in-laws questions: “Why do you feel that way?” “What has contributed to your opinion?” “What are your sources on that statistic?” “Where did you hear that information?” Depending on their answers, you may find ways to challenge or refute their answers with your own knowledge.
Again though, it’s important to stay calm and respectful. So instead of responding with something like “that’s not true and I can’t believe you fell for it,” try saying “actually, according to evidence from…” or “surprisingly, the data proves that…”
Communicate your needs
All those heightened emotions can make it hard to stay respectful, especially if we feel we’re being disrespected in turn. If that’s the case, you have every right to remove yourself from the conversation and return when tempers have cooled. Communicate that need with your in-laws: “I feel I’m being disrespected right now, so I’m going to leave this conversation. I’ll come back when we’ve moved on from this topic.”
Remember, the same “calm and respectful” rules apply to your in-laws. If you find their emotions are getting a bit out-of-control, you have a right to state that and communicate your needs. “This topic is causing some heightened emotions, so I’d like to talk about something else/I’m going to leave for a few minutes until we’ve all calmed down.”
You can also request that the conversation end. “It seems we’re not going to agree on this topic right now, so it’s best we end this conversation.”
Enforce boundaries
There are some topics that simply can’t be discussed reasonably or rationally. Sometimes, that encompasses politics as a whole. The best thing you can do is enforce boundaries with your in-laws: “I do not feel comfortable discussing this with you, so I need to ask that we avoid the topic from now on. If that request isn’t respected, I will leave/hang up/remove myself from the conversation.”
Be prepared to enforce this boundary when needed (again, doing so calmly and respectfully). Following through on your boundaries not only protects your wellbeing, but also sends a very clear message to your in-laws.
Examine the relationship
If you feel consistently disrespected after discussions with your in-laws, or if they’re constantly ignoring boundaries you’ve put in place, it may be time to examine your relationship.
You may ultimately decide that you want to limit the time you spend with them, or decide to not spend time with them at all. There’s no right or wrong answer here — you are the one in the relationship, and only you can determine the best course of action for you. Before you make any decisions, sit down with your spouse and express your concerns. They may want to talk to their parents, they may suggest other ways the two of you can communicate in the future, or they may want to examine their own relationships.
If you are strongly considering going “no contact” with your in-laws, ask yourself these questions:
- Do you feel disrespected during other topics of conversation, or is it usually just when the conversation is political?
- Have your in-laws acted in ways that have supported you and your spouse in the past? What are some examples?
- How did your in-laws act during your engagement? How did they act when you and your spouse were dating? How did they act on the day you got married?
- Have your in-laws always been politically motivated, or is this a new trait? How often do they discuss politics or political topics when there are no upcoming elections?
- Do your in-laws’ opinions on political matters directly oppose your moral or ethical values?
- Can you remember at least five good or happy conversations with your in-laws?
- Do you ever leave after visiting your in-laws feeling good (or at least neutral)?
- Do you agree or disagree with your in-laws on other topics besides politics?
- Have your in-laws respected your wishes in the past?
Again, there’s no right or wrong answer — only what’s best for you, your spouse, and your family.
