In Brides of Long Island’s “Am I a Bridezilla?” the BOLI team weighs in on an anonymous submission asking that dreaded question. What do you think?
Dear BOLI,
My wedding is a few months away, and we just sent out our invitations. We included a line at the bottom that said “Adults-only ceremony and reception” because as much as I love kids, we don’t want any attending the wedding.
I figured we may get “no’s” from a few parents which we totally understand, but my cousin is taking it to the next level. She is insisting that she bring her two kids — ages 3 and 5 — to our wedding, and says that not inviting them is offensive to her family.
To give you some context, my cousin is someone who brings her children everywhere, even to places that I feel are totally inappropriate. For example: my brother had his 30th birthday party at a cocktail bar on a Friday night. My cousin showed up with her kids, let them run around the place screaming and climbing on tables, and never even attempted to keep them occupied or calm. Several people at the bar complained to the bartender, who then asked my cousin to leave with her kids. She freaked out on the bartender and eventually left, but it was incredibly embarrassing for everyone and my brother’s party was ruined.
I know that if I allowed my cousin to bring her children to my wedding, the same thing would happen. She always laughs it off and says “kids will be kids” when they’re causing a scene, and I don’t want them wrecking havoc during my vows or first dance while she acts like nothing is wrong. If I could trust her to keep them under control I might make an exception, but I know that won’t happen.
So am I a Bridezilla for not inviting her kids to my wedding? Is it really that offensive to leave them off the invite list?
Signed,
Frustrated Cousin
Dear Frustrated Cousin,
You are absolutely not a bridezilla for not inviting your cousin’s children to your wedding.
“Adults-only” weddings are very common for good reason. Let’s be honest — unless you’re planning on having your reception at a Chuck E. Cheese, weddings are far from an ideal place for kids. They need to be still and quiet for the length of a ceremony, then behave at a 4-hour long party with loud music, (probably drunk) adults, and no age-appropriate activities to keep them entertained. Overstimulation and boredom is not a great combination when it comes to littles.
How your cousin parents her children is her business, but your guest list is YOUR business. If your cousin’s children are disruptive in places that aren’t exactly “kid-friendly,” and she doesn’t ever feel the need to monitor or discipline them in those environments, then you have every right to exclude the kids from the invite list — both for your sanity and their safety. You also have every right to exclude whoever you want from your invite list, regardless of their age or usual behavior. It’s your wedding and you call the shots.
If your cousin is offended, that’s okay. She gets to feel however she feels about any situation, and you can’t control how someone is going to react to your decisions. I would do my best to explain that you love her and you love her children, but your wedding is not going to be an appropriate place for ANYONE’S kids — not just hers. She’s not the only guest whose invite said “adults only,” and there’s not going to be anything at the wedding that would specifically cater to children. She may not agree with you, but that’s okay too.
Parenting is hard, and it’s possible your cousin is feeling isolated from the rest of your family — especially if she’s the only one with young kids. It’s also possible that on some level she knows her children’s behavior can be an issue, and her reaction was defensive. Again, I’d remind her that it’s not JUST her kids that aren’t invited, and offer to help her find a vetted babysitter for the evening so that she can still come. That’s something you may want to offer other parents as well.
Since you said she’s “insisting,” there is a chance that she may try to attend with her children anyway. I would put a game plan in place now for that scenario.
